01 – How the Hell does that Work?

01 – How the Hell does that Work?

I met them when I was in my twenty-seventh year of life.

I had always dreamed of the moment when I would meet the love of my life. I had wondered what he would look like – tall, relatively dark complexioned, nicely toned but not overly muscled. What his profession would be – business, a white-collar job or perhaps a teacher. What his favorite genres of movies were – please God, preferably action and comedy because I do not want a man who thinks the perfect date night movie is The Ring.

triad, throuple

I had never imagined that the love of my life would be two people – John and Jane (Spoiler alert: fake names obviously. I don’t think I could ever seriously date a couple with the names John and Jane) – who were already dating. So I suppose I should correct that: the loves of my life.

They were a couple who had already been together for eight months. In those eight months, they had moved in together and seriously discussed the possibility of marriage in their future. They had discussed what kind of house they would like to get. They had discussed the places to which they would like to travel to. They had discussed how their respective families would react to the prospect of their union.

They had also discussed bringing in a third partner into their relationship. Aaaaand that is where I come in.

Up until I met John, I had been a straight monogamous female. I had my fair share of relationships and was going through a single phase. By phase, I mean three years. Don’t get me wrong, it was great. I spent a ton of time with my girls and got to rock a full bush without having to explain it to anyone.

Anyway, I digress.

I met John on a very popular dating app. He was excruciatingly honest about the type of relationship that he was looking for and the kind of lifestyle that he wanted to live. He even had Jane’s profile linked to his! They were on the site together looking for their magic number 3. I remember stumbling across his profile and having to go on Google a couple of times to fully understand the words/labels he was using. I was familiar with the general LGBTQ+ phrases that were mentioned in there but the word that really threw me for a loop was ‘polyamorous’.

A word so out-of-the-norm that Microsoft Word keeps insisting that it is a spelling error of some sort.

I remember Googling that word for the first time and being completely flabbergasted at the results. It spoke of a type of relationship that involved more than two individuals. My immediate notion was to link it with polygamy – an instinctive reaction that I have seen many of my friends have when I ‘came out’ to them.

  1. But with a little more reading and watching YouTube clips and generally just keeping an open mind, I came to understand that the concept was simple, though the practice of it may not be. A polyamorous relationship simply meant that an individual could have more than just one partner. All parties involved were consenting adults and there was full disclosure from the very beginning.
    When I first realized what it meant in practice, I distinctly remember thinking: how the hell does that work? Being the only person who I have ever come across who was so open about this specific romantic lifestyle, I hit the ‘like’ button on John’s profile and started talking to him.

No, I didn’t think I would enter a polyamorous relationship. I found him interesting and more than anything else, I wanted to pick his brain. I wanted to know why someone would decide that this approach would be what was best for them. There were people who had shared their views on this through certain online platforms but I wanted to have an actual conversation about it.

So talk we did, strictly over the app for about a month and a half. Contrary to all my romantic ideals, we didn’t text for hours on end and he didn’t set my heart aflutter from the first moment. We exchanged respectful messages that mainly involved me asking 8 million questions and him patiently answering them in the longest texts anyone has ever seen.

I met John about seven weeks after we first started talking. It was his birthday. We sat under my apartment building, smoking and chatting. To be specific: he spoke and I listened. I had continuously kept putting off meeting him for a few reasons:

  1. He had to pass the psycho check
  2. I genuinely didn’t think we would ever be anything other than friends
  3. I was acutely aware that he had a girlfriend

However, within the first ten seconds of meeting John, it was glaringly obvious that I was attracted to him in a way that I had hoped to feel my entire life. We spoke for four hours and at the end of it, I was smitten enough to know that I had to meet his girlfriend and at least try.

I fell in love with them slowly – individually and together. To be honest, there was more than once when I tried to talk myself out of it. But that’s the thing about love, I suppose. You really don’t get to choose who you fall in love with. Or how many.

Jane and I didn’t have the smoothest of beginnings. She had already written me off – very understandably so – because I identified as straight and monogamous. But once we started talking, there was no stopping us. We instantly connected and realized we had much in common. Apart from some hesitant exploring during my pubescent days, being anything other than heterosexual had never occurred to me. But I found myself instantly comfortable yet shy around her – two attributes that only flare up when I am seriously crushing.

I don’t think I will ever forget the first time the three of us met and ‘hung out’ together. It was weird because it didn’t feel weird and I was, still am, someone who takes a fair bit of time to warm up to people.

I fell in love with them slowly – individually and together. To be honest, there was more than once when I tried to talk myself out of it. But that’s the thing about love, I suppose. You really don’t get to choose who you fall in love with. Or how many.

triad, throuple, polyamory

It’s been ten months since that first meeting and we are a fully functioning triad. A triad, also sometimes referred to as a throuple, (don’t look at me like that, I don’t come up with the names) involves three individuals who are all equally romantically connected to each other. We date as three separate couples and as a whole.

Just like any other monogamous relationship, there have been some really great times and some pretty awful ones. But I wouldn’t change a second of it for the most perfect tall, relatively dark complexioned, nicely toned but not overly muscled teacher with a taste for action and comedy movies.

I have mulled over what I want this blog to accomplish. And at the end of the day, I want to provide a real workable answer to that question I asked myself over 10 months ago: how the hell does that work?

Comments are closed.