Tag: Anger

05 – A Thought, Post-Anger

05 – A Thought, Post-Anger

There is a hum when I am with John.

Forgive me, there was a hum when I was with John.

I felt that hum the first time we met. It was quiet then. Not at full volume yet because I was too busy processing the Mount Everest amount of information he had handed to me with an encouraging smile. The hum picked up again in July of last year when I was able to spend more time with him. The hum reached a crescendo when I flew to Pluto to see him (Note: Pluto is a euphemism for the country he was in for about a year, in case you are marvelling at my easy access to space travel.)

The hum was beautiful. Like the whole universe was vibrating in its agreement with the relationship I was now in. He made me feel calm, at peace. I would have an awful day and sit next to him and feel amazing in five minutes or less.

I loved everything about John. I loved his smile. I loved his hands. I loved his eyes – there’s been plenty of times when I looked into them and would find myself grinning like a fool. Ear-to-ear, huge smile. Quite an accomplishment for someone with a small mouth. I loved the way he spoke. I loved the way I could snuggle into him and feel protected. I loved the way he made me feel safe.

Oh, the safety.

The man used to make me feel like nothing in the world could hurt me when I was with him. I wore his love like armour. Nothing could get through. I was protected from negative thoughts, less than kind intentions, hateful ideas.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t indestructible. The armour turned to ash when it came up against him. And me.

I used to wrap him in my love. I used to envision it protecting him. I used to do the same thing for him that I believed he did for me. I used to hate the idea of anything, anyone trying to hurt him. I hated seeing him in pain – any kind of it.

The armour needs to be continuously maintained though. Re-energized. Polished. Buffed. Checked for holes; wear and tear. We forgot to do that. Other things got in the way, the armour was getting weak in some areas – it tried to get our attention. We were deaf to its cries.

Something got under the armour. The first blow was a complete lack of attention. The second, his disinterest in spending time. The third, my words.

Oh, my words.

They do nothing but hurt. I shape them, I work on them with an obsessive eye till I am sure that it will do maximum damage. And I let them fly, with the accuracy of a sniper. I watch as he takes blow after blow. I wince at what he throws back. I throw harder, faster. I don’t want to lose this battle. Our armour falls to the floor, and at that point, the weapons are more powerful than ever. He pulls out a club embedded with giant sea urchins. I get my acid-covered boulder ready. The weapons get more and more damaging.

I look at the man I once truly believed loved me. His arm is pulled back, ready to deal the next blow. There is no love in his eyes anymore. There’s not even hate. There is only hurt.

I wonder who put it there?